Congratulations! If you are reading this, you have no friends, and nothing better to do. Fuck! But I’m writing it, so what does that say about me? That I’m fucking amazingly rad? Yes. I am certain that that is absolutely, 100% correct.

Alright, so- about me, eh?

Well what do you want to know? I mean, who gives a shit about a stranger? Not that I imagine too many strangers are reading this, but for all intents and purposes, this section is supposed to be focused on introducing myself to you, the blog reader with whom I have ostensibly no personal familiarity. So let me crack an egg of knowledge over your dome. Knowledge about me…

I’m a man driven by guilt and grudges, and the desire to cultivate (or optimize – that’s for you Socrates) my reason to its maximal end; the desire to atone for wrongs that I’ve committed against others, and to the desire to prove to all of those shitty people dead fucking wrong about their appraisal of me, and to use my rational capabilities more efficiently, more frequently, and more effectively than the day before.

To address the former… Shit. I don’t even know how to begin. How do you apologize to someone you’ve wronged so fuckin’ hard that you constantly beat yourself up over it. No seriously, I’m talking about actually causing yourself physical harm. It doesn’t have to be the stupid bro-kind of self-inflicted penance, like punching yourself in the face, or the emo-kind that entails little paper cuts. I’m talking more about living in a state of disregard of oneself. Constantly thinking about what you owe someone, and never being able to give it to them is a seriously shitty way to live, but I can think of no better way to atone for the damage I’ve done to some of the sweetest people I’ve ever known. I’ll likely spend the rest of my life trying to figure out how to make it up to those people, but one guy is dead now, one girl is a total fuckin’ bitch so I don’t even know why I give a shit, and another, well… that’s a REALLY long fuckin’ story. The most important of these is the last of them, but suffice it to say that she is the person whom, if given the chance, I would lay prostrate before, kiss her feet, and beg forgiveness. For some reason, that’s just not possible, so I drink plenty, and study my ass off…

On to the petty little grudge stuff… So I have known some pretty douchey people in my life. To say that my progenitors fit that bill is an understatement. Fuck those people. Then there have been those who have called themselves friends, lovers, or otherwise, of mine but acted way more like a bunch of nay-saying, back-stabbing, self-serving, shit-talking, something-something-ing, ass holes that in some sense or another fucked me over. Why are those shit heads important? Well, because fuck them! (I know, not a real answer.) They’re all wrong, and the best way to prove wrong people wrong is to either kill them with logic, or if they’re too stupid or religious for logic, then live a more glorious, flourishing lifestyle. And if you can’t do either of those, well… shit I dunno. Get drunk a lot. I’m still in the stages of preparing my triumph against those enemies and betrayers of my good will. As it stands, I use their shittyness as motivation to achieve bigger and better things than they are capable of. My life is one big effort to be better than they thought I was, and to rub in their god damned faces one of these days. As a result, I have developed a VERY unhealthy motivation to succeed, and to push the limits of physical and mental accomplishments.

That said, I believe that I am first and foremost a philosopher. As much as truth as we know it is a subjective thing, I do strive to find the salient principles that possess the most verisimilitude, or truth-like-ness, in the world. I find that life is a shitty, empty place with rare moments of peace or joy, but is mostly just screaming, ill-mannered children when you’re trying to enjoy a quiet meal; some fuckin’ ass hole who doesn’t use their god damn blinker and cuts you off; shit ALL OVER the only portapotty in the area; loud ass Mexicans and their fucking leaf blowers when you’re trying to sleep off a hang over on a Tuesday morning; unreasonable, idiotic douche-bags in positions of authority over you; and so on…

Think about your life. Surely it’s far easier to recall moments of profound shittyness than it is to recall really sweet moments that made you say, “Hey, you know what? Shit isn’t so shitty after all.” Fuck those moments! Why? Because they never last, and they’re probably spent with people who you still love but aren’t friends with anymore.

I guess all of this negativity comes down to the Sickness Until Death, or as I have elaborated before, despair. You see, despair is the product of a more developed consciousness. Unfortunately, being a genius has its rather significant draw-backs, and one of those is that there is an inescapable recognition of powerlessness and fear in the face of the enormity of the Universe. (Oh, by the way, you will come to learn that the Universe and I are mortal enemies. I’m constantly battling that mother fucker because it wants me to lose, but I’m like, “Fuck you, Universe! You’re not the boss of me!”) Anyway, the despair of which I speak is an existential one, one based on Kierkegaard; you see yourself in the context of the universe and realize how little, and perhaps, insignificant you are, but you desire to be so much more! Who doesn’t want to have their life matter? Well, bum’s and communists probably don’t give a shit, but the point is that we construct and identify with these somewhat artificial versions of ourselves to avoid truly becoming that which we “really” are. What is it that we really are? Shitty, tortured little specks that god constantly fucks with; like we’re fish in an aquarium with really sensitive hearing, and the asshole (god) keeps tapping the glass. This is the despair; the full realization and ownership of powerlessness.

But recently, I have rejected this “inevitability.” Man is not some hollowed out version of the divine – no instrument of some greater plan that some selfish, all-powerful prick has in mind. If we have free will, we can define ourselves. The self that we are is the one that we want to be. But it takes diligence, study, and a Promethean spirit. If you have a spark of intelligence within you, for fuck’s sake, use it! Turn off the god damn TV, get the fuck off of FaceFuck, and experience life. Get really shitty drunk, and feel powerful emotions. Record them, and write about them later when you’re sober. Test yourself physically, and do something that really challenges your conceptions of what you thought you were capable of doing. Hopefully, you kind find a way to come face to face with the full force of your own mortality, and live through it. There’s no better way to spur-on your development than to realize how little time you have.

Push your limits. Atone for your wrongs. Love people who are worthy. Castigate and belittle shit heads until they improve. Make yourself into the shining, brilliant image of excellence through formidable use of your reason. Listen to great music, and eschew the trends. And get drunk. That’s what I’m about.

Note: This not a finished page. As time goes, I’ll give this more thought, and refine, revise, and replace. This is just the knee-jerk response I had for this damn thing after a glass of scotch, and a week of self-loathing. To say that I’m not at my intellectual or philosophical best would be an understatement. It’ll get better with time, and if I can get over this funk…

5 Responses to About

  1. Alex Jones says:

    I leave two pieces of advice for you:
    1. How you treat yourself is how you will treat others. Try and find that part of you to love.
    2. You have the choice of what and who you connect with in life. Cut the toxic connections and build the positive ones.

    • Your advice is both naive, and unsolicited. I do not seek advice from anyone on my blog, although I welcome sophisticated philosophical and existential conversations. (By sophisticated, I mean discussions with people familiar with formal logic, or at least a modicum of formal philosophical training.) Your first suggestion is just silly; self-loathing does not provide a necessary or sufficient condition for treating others badly. One sees the self in fundamentally different ways than others, so I have no idea upon what legitimate basis you made your statement. The second suggestion bears some plausibility, but attachment is a very real emotional, and perhaps spiritual, phenomenon. People often say that when they lose someone that they love dearly, they feel like a part of them goes missing. I concur with the appraisal, and as such, I not only mourn the loss of my lover, but I mourn the loss of a part of myself. Toxic or not, I cannot simply throw away the love, emotions, or memories that I build with the people I really love. Only a sociopath would suggest it’s possible to discard such profound attachments.

      • Alex Jones says:

        Wow, such bitter hatred. I shall not bother you again. Good day sir!

      • It isn’t hatred, although I’m sure that you’re correct about the bitterness. My intent was not to offend you, but since I write under a pseudonym I find that I am more direct in my speech. I apologize if that came off as abrasive. Feel free to elucidate your ideas further

  2. SpaceCadet007 says:

    No need to write yourself into a funk, though. From one human to another, you can be too smart for your own good.

    I really enjoyed your Buddhism article using Conze and Lopez’s Buddhist Scriptures. Really good resources, though I can only speak from experience about the Lopez edition.

    I’d also recommend Teachings of the Buddha (Shambhala), though it is much less academic in its presentation. Also, check out The Way of the Bodhisattva.

    Om Mani Padme Hum

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