Music playing at the moment:
Moonface (w/Siinai)- “Quickfire, I Tried” – Heartbreaking Bravery – Jagjaguwar (2012). http://moonface.ca/
(Skip ahead to the squiggles to get right to the purpose of the post if you don’t give a shit about all this…) The whole album has been blowing my mind all evening long, and so far has been the only thing that got me out of my depression enough to get the fuck up and write this. I feel so shitty I don’t even want to drink. Not even whiskey.
So I was “enlightening” myself the other evening, and thought, “What if she picked up the phone? What if she stopped pretending that this was the only way to deal with things this difficult? What if she talked to me? Or what if she just listened?”
I felt an immediate heaviness in my heart, and a bit of light headedness. I doubt very much that it was entirely in virtue the contents of my lungs that this sudden bewilderment and gloom had settled in; and settled not merely upon me, but within me. Rather, I would wager that it was the last question that I asked myself, and my complete lack of an answer. If, as I have been hoping for, I was given the chance to say whatever it was I wanted to say, and this person would listen with all the conviction of a disciple before her Messiah… what would I say? Is there anything that I could say that would help? Could mere words mend any fractures in her heart? Or would I just be talking to placate myself?
Surely, friends, we have all been there; that wretched uncertainty that clouds our minds, and stills our lips. Not knowing if it’s better to say nothing at all (as they’ve asked of you before), or do you try? Do you try to prove yourself? Sadly, I remain in limbo, unsure of what steps I should take. I vouchsafe this; if I knew with certainty the ones that would give her the most pleasure, those would be the ones I took.
Without further delay, here is my internal dialogue on “Convincing” people… (Let’s see if my dialogue convinces anyone that convincing people is BS.)
There’s no such thing as convincing anyone of anything. It’s a myth. What you’re doing when you’re thinking you’re convincing someone is merely listing all of the reasons why you think they should agree with you. The thing is… the person already knows if they’re going to believe anything you say, or if they think you’re totally full of shit. That’s why apologies are so… worthless.
The person you hurt already has it in their mind that they hate you; right or wrong, their world consists entirely in their subjective perception of it. Nothing you say can or will ever be able to change any of their sentiments about you. There’s no way to prove that your intentions were pure, or that love was ever really in your heart whenever you did whatever it was that hurt them.
The best you can hope for is begging forgiveness, but even that is just a futile and pathetic display of obsequious servility meant to guilt the offended into hiding their outward display of contempt for you so that you can gain some respite from the guilt you feel for being such a shit bag.
So what is the answer? How does one atone for his sins, particularly for those against someone for whom there is genuine love? Is redemption an impossible endeavor?
I guess the gist of the whole thought process is simply, “How does one redeem himself when it is impossible to convince the person of anything?” Remember that redemption is different than forgiveness, even in the strong sense. (Redemption denotes being restored, forgiveness merely pardons some transgression.)
Can a thousand professions of adoration be saved, as a sinner from hell? Or are they merely redeemed by some sad heart for a drink and some company… and worse?
Yours In Contemplation,